A selection of the absurd occurrences in Punjab

When Nathan and I travelled to Chandigarh and Amritsar for a five days, odd things seemed to keep happening. Just when we thought things wouldn't get any stranger, well, you get the ideal....

28 October 2007: Chandigarh

1. The thali place, which serves only thali (no sharing), has no thali.
2. Went to the surreal Whole Foods market.
3. Distain from hotel man when we mention possibly taking a rickshaw from the city centre.
4. Took rickshaw to the Magic Maze Rock Garden filled with canyons, temples, statuaries, and figurines entirely constructed from roadside garbage.
5. Magic garden is surreal. Find young couples making out behind various stone structures.
6. Swing on swing.
7. Have two young men ask to take a photo with us.
8. Have two more young men ask to take a photo with us, puts arm around Karen.
9. Have an older man want a picture just with Nathan.
10. Have two students want pictures with us; they get blocked for putting their arms around Karen by Nathan’s protective arm after one tries to go for the reach-around boob grab.
11. Everyone stares at us.
12. No, I mean everyone stares at us.
13. Walk to ‘temples of democracy;’ relatively unimpressed by buildings, but very impressed by the sheer quantity of ineffective barbed wire fencing.
14. Take rickshaw to city centre; have to stop at police checkpoint to ask for directions.
15. Coffee in 70s diner with waiters wearing dishcloth erections on their heads and broad green belts.
16. Walk out of capitalist playland (large open-air mall with multiple iterations of glossy multi-national stores and thousands of people) into desert of fallen consumption (large multi-story concrete buildings that look as if they have been bombed, with the only sign of life being men bathing in water fountains and the ubiquitous rickshaw drivers).
17. Stumble upon nightclub, into which young people in absurd western 80s clothing are going into at 4:30 in the afternoon, lured in by loud thumping of western rock and roll.
18. See constipated dog. Saddened.
19. Stumble upon a body building competition on the street. Lots of muscle men wearing black speedos with oil and red body paint slapping each other on the inner thigh.
20. Karen is tempted to ask for a photo with nearly naked, greased up men. Nathan succeeds in convincing her not to act upon such a death wish.
21. Somehow, us being fully dressed merits our getting cat called by near naked Indian men.
22. Try to go to an internet café, get Nathan’s drivers licence inspected and noted, but cannot get internet.
23. Have Patron Saint of Chandigarh accost us on street and give us directions to a chemist and bestow bejewelled bangle upon Karen’s slender wrist, for good luck.
24. Watched Bugs Bunny in Hindi while eating dinner in ‘classy’ hotel.

Total number of times asked if we wanted a rickshaw: 8 billion.

Total number of photos taken: 9

Total number of bangle ceremonies performed: 1

29 October 2007:

1. Coffee at Café Coffee Day, ordered directly from the menu, that required two attempts and at least five consultations between entire fleet of staff before it could be procured by the manager. Tried ordering at least four food stuffs, none of which were available, and given questioning looks from waiter for not having any food.
2. Indian lunch buffet where everything, I mean everything, is explained, as if we had never seen food before. (“This is rice,” as he points at large tray of white rice).
3. “You’re a tourist”….Quote from Indo-Canadian woman on first trip back to India with family in 25 years, to enormous white blond guy taking pictures of palm trees at highway rest stop. “You’re from Vancouver!” …Quote from Indo-Canadian woman on first trip back to India with family in 25 years, to pale-faced woman fixing hair in bathroom at highway rest stop, working off tip given by American faux husband in parking lot.
4. Get ejected from bus at undisclosed location in Amritsar. Pack of rickshaw drivers that would make hyenas look like sloths descend on pair of white folks, while completely ignoring large groups of NRIs who clearly have large sums of cash and have not been to India in some years.
5. The drunken cycle rickshaw man who wouldn’t die. No matter where we tried to hide, he was always in front of us, blocking our escape across the street and insisting “I help you! I help you!”
6. Crossing the raging river of a street. Nathan manages to ford first, leaving Karen afraid and alone on the other side, trying to prevent loss of toes from passing motorcycles. Karen narrowly avoids pushing over family of five on motorcycle when they block her one chance of getting across.
7. Karen twists an ankle while trying to cross next street, falls into the road unable to stand up, and gets comfort from a gaggle of Sikh men offering water, tea, and brief respite from the remainder of Amritsar.
8. Giving up, taking a rickshaw almost to the wrong hotel – giving a rickshaw driver directions in a town we have never been in.
9. Getting to the hotel, shopping around, making the wrong choice because we’re cheap ass. Taking the downstairs room with no balcony because of assured hot water on ground floor.
10. Request filtered water from hotel man. He instructs “Boy” to fill the bottles. Boy returns shyly, silently and always looking at the floor, with filled water bottles.
11. Eat Thai food for dinner in strange “French” restaurant. Waiter whispers in Nathan’s ear to inquire whether he would like beer. Karen later asks out loud for a beer, and waiter moves in to keep the conversation surreptitious. Bill arrives, and the man is told that the bill was not printed because there was no VAT added.
12. Hormones + Events of the Day = Karen crying into Nathan’s shoulder for no apparent reason. Nathan is thankfully patient and gracious.

30 October 2007:

1. Slept late, didn’t leave hotel room until noon.
2. Uneventful afternoon, until we decided to visit India-Pakistan border closing ceremony, along with several thousand other spectators. Watch military officials with Chinese fans on their heads face off against black-clad, bad-ass-looking Pakistani military officials with Chinese fans on their heads in an elaborate big dick contest, while sweaty man in black t-shirt riles crowd into patriotic frenzy. School children and middle aged couples take turns rushing the border gate carrying Indian flags. Gender-separated bangra dancing in front of crowed yelling “HINDUSTAN!!!”
3. Ride home in back of overstuffed jeep, during which Nathan gets knee stroked by the only Indian man lankier than himself.
4. Request drinking glasses from “Boy”, who proceeds to pick up two dirty glasses from shelf, rinse under mystery water from bucket while rubbing inside with grubby fingers, and present them to Karen.
5. Visit Jimmy Jimmy Ice Cream Zone for dessert, where Nathan is presented with a butterscotch sundae with radioactive yellow wafer dragon carefully constructed and perched proudly atop scoops of ice cream.
6. Karen questions hotel staff about lack of hot water, in her best assertive tone, only to be assured that there is only hot water from five to six am. Assertive Karen, desperately in need of hot shower, barely refrains from turning into assaultive Karen, but receives assurance that “Boy” will come in 10 minutes, which led to the question, “What will Boy do in 10 minutes?” In ten minutes, there is hot water. No sign of Boy.

31 October 2007:

1. Waking at five to go to the Golden Temple.
2. Saying no to our first photograph.
3. Getting accosted at massacre museum by group of curious young men.
4. Visiting the ‘modern shopping center’
5. Eating the Punjabi Five pizza (5 toppings: corn, tomato, onion, green pepper, and French fries. Yes, French fries.) Served with ketchup.
6. Nathan accidentally tries to kill Karen with mislabelled unsatisfying chocolate bar.
7. Nathan performing own personal musical, complete with show tunes, during stupidly short rickshaw ride to gelateria.
8. Awkardly entering contact lens and eye clinic to purchase lenses, to be shuffled in ahead of screaming boy with severe eye wound despite pleas that “I think he was here first.”
9. Experiencing the awkward yet elaborate wine pouring ritual during splurge on nice dinner in fancy hotel.
10. Trying churi nan, which resembled a pita wrap filled with maraschino cherries and marshmallow fluff.
11. Being victim of a drive-by groping during rickshaw ride home.
12. Pay same amount for 3 nights in hotel as for one nice dinner in fancy hotel.

1 November 2007:

1. Rickshaw to bus terminal.
2. Discover that the bus ride to Dharamsala is 7 hours on the “ordinary” bus.
3. Rickshaw to train station to avoid 7 hour bus ride.
4. Purchasing 2 tickets for Rs38 for 3-hour train ride.
5. Watching helplessly as train arrives, is full before coming to complete stop, and leaves 2 whiteys and many Indians in its dust as it pulls away from the station.
6. Rickshaw back to bus terminal.
7. Watching man weighing approximately 2/3 of Karen’s weight effortlessly carry bag weighing approximately 2/3 of Karen’s weight on his head to the top of the bus. We pay him 50 cents for his efforts.
8. Seven hour trip on the “ordinary” bus, during which bus stops for 15 minutes while many men urinate together on the roadside.
9. Changing to local bus and careening up steep mountain roads after dark, to be dropped at random roadside alley next to screaming drunk man sitting in middle of street.

Ultimately, we left Punjab, but are still drunk on India.